My Oscar Diary

OK, I confess - I am an Oscar nerd. I like watching the Oscars and seeing the movies and actors/actresses in roles that I have no interest in seeing. Actually, I usually end up seeing a few of the films before they are nominated and then watch a few others that were nominated. I thought this year, it might be interesting to do a running diary of my Oscars experience. Also, Missy and I each made our picks of who we thought would win in each category. Most of the time, like in horse racing, we picked the ones with the best name since we had no idea what they were. I will reveal the final results at the end.

In my experiences of watching the Oscars, I have discovered a few trends. First of all, the Academy loves a few sets of people. If you are in a role as one of these sets of people, chances are you will win an Oscar. They are: mentally disabled people (Rainman, Forrest Gump, Slingblade, I am Sam), homosexuals (Philadelphia, Capote, Brokeback Mountain, the one with the lady from Desperate Housewives as a dude) and famous historical people (Ali, Capote, Ghandi, William Wallace, the lady that Salma Hayek played who had a unibrow). Tom Hanks made history by winning back to back Oscars. One year, he played a homosexual, the next a person with mental disabilities. That's why Tom Cruise has never won an Oscar. He has never played a homosexual or someone with mental disabilities - at least not in a movie. That's why I will GUARANTEE that one day a movie will come out where someone plays a homosexual who is mentally disabled. That year, there will be no other nominees. They will just hand that person the Oscar once the movie wraps.

So with that in mind, I had a few favorites - Best Actor - Forest Whitaker - only one playing a historical figure - though no one knows who he is, Best Actress - Helen Mirren - she plays the Queen of England - though this was tough. Judi Dench played a homosexual and then there is the Meryl Streep factor. If she walked into a screen door, she would be nominated for an Oscar. Also, my guess was that this was the year to celebrate Martin Scorcese. I saw the Departed. It was just like every other Scorcese film - violent, profane, filled with great actors and 6 hours long. But he has been nominated so many times, they were going to give it to him. OK, enough analysis, onto the show:

8:36 - Here comes the host Ellen Degeneres wearing a suit that Pee Wee Herman rejected. She is talking about various people in the audience. There's Best Actor nominee, Peter O' Toole. He has had so much surgery done to his face, he looks like he is permanently surprised. And the biggest applause goes to.....Al Gore. Am I watching the right show???

8:46 - OK, first award - make it a good one.......alright, my favorite - Best Art Direction - the Oscars are off to a big start!

8:53 - A song with Will Ferrell and his killer afro. Here comes Jack Black! They're hitting on the Queen! That song almost made up for the lame first award. Almost........Nevermind, they are reading the nominees for Best Makeup. The winner is......Joan Rivers! No! Pan's Labrynth - wow, they are 2-2 and I've never heard of this movie.

9:00 - Little Miss Sunshine and Will Smith's kid present TWO awards and Will Smith's kid apparently can't read teleprompters OR envelopes. At least he has cool hair and is name Jaden.

9:11 - A group that is a mixture of a gospel choir and that guy that does all of those sounds from Police Academy does montage of sound effects acapella. I guarantee that these people all got into this group because it promised to get them to the Oscars. Why else would you spend a year perfecting your impression of squealing tires?

9:20 - With the Best Sound Editing and Sound Mixing categories out of the way, the first semi-major award - Best Supporting Actor. I thought Eddie Murphy had this in the bag. The Academy loves washed up actors who make a comeback (see Travolta in Pulp Fiction) but NO! An upset! Alan Arkin wins for playing the most profane grandfather in history in Little Miss Sunshine. If he was not in that movie, it would have easily been rated PG but with him - very R. I heard Eddie Murphy left right after that.

9:25 - Dancers behind a screen rolling around and.......they made a silouehette of the Oscar Statue! I bet those were the same people who did the sound effect thing.

9:31 - Music Time! James Taylor does the song from Cars and Melissa Etheridge does the song about Global Warming.

9:36 - Here comes Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio. Al Gore reminds me of the guy who graduated valedictorian from high school (or should I say salutorian thanks to a few hanging chads), goes off to college, grows out his hair (and gains 100 pounds), starts a band and now all of the popular kids act like they were always his friend. This documentary he did made him the coolest guy in school. Leo is practically proposing marriage to him. Al is loving it. Also, this is the first "Green" Oscars which means......

9:44 - Happy Feet wins best Animated Picture - the story of a tap dancing penguin who saves the penguin species from greenhouse gases or something

9:50 - Hey Ben Affleck! - fast forwarding.....

-Hey backstage cam! Stars blowing off host Chis Connelly! Good times!

10:00 - Ellen now looking like Evil Kenevel - Best Costume Design - the winner (a woman from Eastern Europe, I think) looks like she is wearing a costume from the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Clint Eastwood is smiling.

10:05 - Hey, THERE'S Tom Cruise - tribute to someone, more fast forwarding......

10:11 - Gwenyth Paltrow comes out of hiding to announce best Cinematography - Pan's Labrynth again. Has anyone heard of this movie????

more silouette people

10:20 - Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. present for Best Visual Effects. Robert Downey Jr. makes fun of his decade of drug use in the 90's - always good for a laugh. The obligatory Oscar for the highest grossing movie of the year (Pirates of the Caribbean). Note to all winners, don't give a speech without notes - I was waiting for this guy to start yelling, "Yo Adrian!!!!!"

10:22 - Ken Watanabe (the guy who out acted Tom Cruise in Last Samurai) and....it looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor in her 40's presenting for Best Foreign Film....I think. What are they saying??? I can't understand them. There's a shot of Borat! He is probably thinking that his character spoke better English than these people. The winner.....oooh, not Pan's Labrynth! Some German film won. The guy is thanking David Hasselhoff AND Arnold Schwarzenegger! Ok, he only thanked the Governator. No, seriously, he did.

more silouette dancers - this time making the poster for Snakes on a Plane

10:34 - George Clooney looking like he just got done hanging out with the Rat Pack. Best Supporting Actress. Please be Little Miss Sunshine, please.......NO! American Idol castoff Jennifer Hudson wins and looks sincerely shocked to be on stage. She is defining "deer in the headlights". So let's keep score of Oscars here - American Idol reject: 1, Martin Scorcese: 0

10:42 - Best Short Film, guess how much I care.

1045 - Jerry Seinfeld comes on. He is introduced with, "You've been wondering where he was, here he is!" He's been waiting backstage at the Kodak Theatre for the last 10 years! Or has he been in hiding ever since Michael Richards started doing stand up.....OK, Best Documentary, hmmmm, I wonder who will win.....Al Gore's movie! I can't believe it! My money was on Jesus Camp.....

10:50 - Here comes Clint Eastwood.....honoring a composer.....who comes out for his Oscar.....and doesn't speak English.....is speaking in Spanish.....Clint is looking lost.....oh no, now Clint is trying to translate......this is uncomfortable.....and this guy keeps talking......and Clint is smiling through his teeth......and the audience claps long enough to get the guy off stage, wow, I'm glad that's over. As they cut to commercial, you hear Clint utter, "I should've worn my glasses". I love Clint.

11:00 - There are still 8 awards left. Why was I born?

11:05 - Best Original Score - NEXT!

11:10 - Speech by Academy of Motion Picture President - NEXT!

11:11 - Toby McGuire and Kirsten Dunst come out to the old "Spiderman" TV show theme - classic. Best Original Screenplay - the winner......Little Miss Sunshine (which guarantees they don't win Best Picture). Whenever the winner is announced, the movie trailer guy gives the audience a little factoid about the winner. For this guy, he quit being the assistant to Matthew Broderick to write Little Miss Sunshine. I would say it is a good year when you start it by getting Ferris Bueller his Double Latte and end it by winning more Oscars than Martin Scorcese.

I'm getting tired of the silouette people

11:20 - The Dreamgirls songs. They have three songs (out of five) nominated for Best Song. They HAVE to win. Right?

11:28 - Best Song - Melissa Etheridge for the Global Warming song. So let me get this right, Dreamgirls has 60% of the nominees in the category. They are performed by a multi-Grammy winner (Beyonce) and a Golden Globe and Oscar winner (Jennifer Hudson). And they lose. This really is a "Green" Oscar awards show.

11:35 - Here comes Will Smith - please do better than your son - who I think was on 18 hours ago. A tribute to America. Actually pretty good. But taking up time. My Coke from 4 hours ago has worn off.

11:41 - Kate Winslett presents for Best Editing. The Departed wins and there is a shot of a BALD Jack Nicholson backstage looking like he just put a whoopie cushion on someones' seat and is waiting for them to sit down.

11:45 - Jodie Foster intros the obligatory "Who Died in 2006" montage. I always listen for who gets the biggest applause. The winner is......Director (or Producer - what's the difference) Robert Altman who barely beats out Don Knotts. Must have been a slow year.

11:51 - Phillip Seymour Hoffman comes out doing his Jack Nicholson in the 90's look. Best Actress - let's see if my theory holds up.....yup - Helen Mirren for "The Queen". She should have won, I mean the movie WAS named for her. The movie trailer guy just said that a palm reader predicted she would. Only in Hollywood.

It's midnight and Ellen is vacuuming, I'm leaving. NO! I must stay!

12:01 - Here comes Reese Witherspoon - wow, I bet Ryan Phillipe is kicking himself now. What award is this? Oh! Best Actor - let's see if my theory keeps going - two for two - Forest Whitaker wins. He actually gives a pretty touching speech. His wife looks like she has been peeling onions for the last 6 hours.

12:06 - The heavyweights of directing come out - Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg - I wonder what they are out here to present.....oh! Best Director. Scorcese looks like a little kid on the first day of school. And he finally wins. He gets a big standing ovation and a kiss from Leo! Bonus! He looks like the little kid brother of the other directors. And another hug from Nicholson as he walks offstage. I think Jack just tripped an old woman just for a laugh.

And finally, the last award: Best Movie. The winner......Al Gore. No! The Departed. Scorcese, of course, doesn't hear the announcement from backstage. Steven Spielberg just told him he won. His mouth just hit the floor. More hugs. And he is bouncing back on stage.

And I'm done. I can't see straight. I think I'm starting to hallucinate. What's my name? Where am I?


Oh, and the final count on correct picks:

Ryan: 5 (including Best Film Editing)
Missy: 11 (Including both Sound categories, Visual Effects and Short Film - Live Action)


I love the Oscars.