A Father-to-be Reflects Part II

Holy crap it's been a month since I've posted! Chalk up another New Year's resolution down the tubes......

Well, our due date is four weeks from TOMORROW. We have had all of our showers (baby showers, I mean - we are still bathing......occasionally) which means we have enough little outfits to clothe every resident of Munchkinland. We've got the "big stuff" - a crib, a changing table, a stroller, a car seat, a SWEET rocker/ottoman and a pack and play - which is a diabolical concoction of crib/changing table/self contained storage unit/missle silo and karoke machine. Today we even got a bassinet. Our former guest room/office has been converted to a nursery/office. And there isn't much room for the office anymore.

Despite having all of these things taking over this room, the thing that grabs my attention the most (maybe because it is facing me as I type), is a collage of pictures that Missy put up on the wall. I think the intention is to "introduce" our little guy to his family. There are pictures of Missy's family as well as my family. There are also several pictures of us when we were younger. Those are the ones that get me. I look at those and think, holy crap that's me! I was once the same age as this little baby. My parents had the same conversations about diapers that Missy and I are having now. The pictures of me sitting with my mom, eating ice cream with my dad, walking hand in hand with my grandfather, my son is going to have those pictures too except I will be the one feeding him ice cream. Then the thought hit me: I am going to have a little ME.

First of all, that seems impossible. I still feel sometimes like I am 10 years old, or 17 years old or heck, even 22 years old. I am a goofy kid who plays video games, makes fun of people and spends too much money on movies. I still remember my first day of elementary school. The fact that I am going to be responsible for another human being - that he will be completely reliant on me to provide for him is beyond my comprehension (Note: I am fully aware that Missy will share in this responsibility - hopefully she will have more influence than I will for our son's sake - I am just reflecting on my own journey and my own thoughts right now - so all of you women reading, put your claws away). I don't know if I will say that I am scared (though I'm sure when we make that trip to the hospital, I might need to bring my own set of diapers), I just can't wrap my mind around ME being a dad.

Secondly, me having a son should be illegal. I have always been a proponent of people being required to have a license to have a child. However, since that is not mandatory (yet), jokers like me can warp the minds of America's future. I am waiting for Child Services to get notice that I am having a son and come take him away and send him to live with wolves because he will be better off.

However, I look around this room and I know that in four weeks give or take (hopefully more take than give for Missy's sake), this room will be very different. It will ring with the sounds of youth. It will smell of diapers, wet wipes and baby powder. It will look "lived in" rather than its current state of "prepared to be lived in". I will see this room not just at 8:00 at night when I get on the computer to email or play Minesweeper. I will see it at 2:00 am, 4:00 am, 6:00 am........

I look at these pictures of my parents holding me as a baby and think, "How in the world can I be a dad?" Then, I see one picture up in the top corner. It is a picture of my parents and myself about 3 years ago. We have our arms around each other and are smiling. To me that is a picture of accomplishment, of success. I know that I am at the beginning of another journey. My journey has now come full circle. My hope is that one day my son can blog (0r whatever they will be doing by then - telepathically communicating with aliens or something) about his fear of being a dad and realize that he can do it too just like his crazy old man did.