Wolverine in a Tux - It's the 2009 Oscars!

This year didn't start out so good for me. In the past, I have printed ballots with lists of all the Oscar nominees, made choices, compared them with Missy's choices. Made fun of her choices. Got some food together. All an hour before the big show. This year, Missy wasn't home (something about going to get cigarettes.....), the ballot I tried to print came out crazy and half the page was blank, and five minutes before it started I was trying to convince Riley it was time for bed. He didn't buy it.

Anyway, so I wasn't quite as prepared as in years past but as they say in the biz, "the show must go on!"

8:31-This year the host is Hugh Jackman aka Wolverine from X-Men. In the past it has been Billy Crystal so this should be interesting. I only know Jackman with long sideburns and steel blades coming out of his hands. OK, so Wolverine can sing and dance sort of. With the economy, they are going with homemade props for each movie. Kind of clever. Kind of contrived. Anne Hathaway is now being pulled out of the audience to participate. Kind of clever. Kind of contrived. And the big finish....."I'M WOL-VER-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!" Standing ovation. We are off to a good start.

8:44-With the new format, they are making changes. Here is one apparently. They are rolling out old winners of the category to slurp up to the nominees and make them look uncomfortable. Though I am uncomfortable looking at the past winners of Best Supporting Actress. I thought most of them were dead and they certainly look that way. Five minutes of slurping for each nominees, this could be a long night. And the winner, Penelope Cruz!

8:58-Tina Fey and Steve Martin roll out for Best Original Screenplay. And the nominees are....no movie I have ever heard of except "Milk", the movie where Sean Penn plays a gay activist who seems kind of mentally challenged. Well, there's your winner. Remember this equation: Sean Penn+gay and/or mentally challenged=Oscar. And.......I'm right. Winner is Milk.

And Tina Fey and Steve Martin are still on stage. I guess this is their way of speeding things up. Best ADAPTED Screenplay - Slumdog Millionaire. The one movie I would like to see if only because I have been to India and seen the slums. I don't recall any millionaires there though. They should save even more time and just have a Best Screenplay category. Sean Penn plays a gay Indian and we're done.

9:07-Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black come out (no pun intended) for Best Animation. There is a Pixar Movie involved (Wall-E)....game over. Pixar+(anything)=Oscar - in this case a mute space robot.

Aniston and Black still on. Best Animated Short - aka - random foreign film that make no sense about obscure subjects category. And the winner - a French Japanese guy who made a movie about tree bark, I think. And the best acceptance speech by a foreign filmmaker. This guy just kept saying "Sank you" to different people that we couldn't understand then he got quiet, uncomfortable and said, "Domo origato, Mr. Roboto." and walked offstage. He is my new favorite director. Take THAT Spielberg!

9:16-James Bond and Carrie from Sex in the City are on stage for Best Art Direction. And the winner if Benjamin Button, which means goodbye Best Picture award (the Academy always seems to give lesser awards as consolation prizes to films that don't win Best Picture). And we have our first speech cut off by the music.

Now Bond and Carrie are on for Best Costume Design. The nominees are all the same. Looks like the Academy is mailing it in. "Just pick five movies and put them in like 8 categories, no one except that Delp loser is watching anyway...." The winner is The Duchess. This winner learned from the last guy, saw the clock ticking down and sped up his thank yous. "I would like to thank my agent, our director, Warner Brothers, my mommydadmywifemykidsiloveyouallandcouldn'tavedonwitouyu!"

Whoa, triple duty for Bond and Carrie! Best Makeup - Benjamin Button - and goodbye Best Director award as well. This guy learned from the last two guys and did speed reading from the start. Last count I had, he read 3,948,237 people he thanked in 30 seconds. But that's an unofficial count.

9:25-That guy from that teen vampire movie and the dumb girl from Mean Girls are now out on stage to intro "Romance '08". I don't think the teen vampire knows he is not in that movie right now. He is staring into the camera like he is about to eat the cameraman. Moving on....

9:31-Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller (doing his insane Joaquin -it took me four attempts to spell that name - Phoenix impression) walk out for Best Cinematography. Ben just put his gum on the podium. Now he is wandering around looking at the tv screens. Poor Joaquin. One year you get nominated for Best Actor and the next (or two later) you are the big joke. The price of genius. And insanity. And the winner is: Slumdog Millionaire. And hello Best Picture.

9:39-Jessica Biel came out to tell us she hosted the Hollywood Nerd awards two weeks ago. That must be every CGI guy's dream. You spend 20 years of your life blowing aliens up on your computer, then a hot chick gives you a trophy. Thanks for telling us what you did two weeks ago, Jessica. Keep up the good work.

9:44-A video of the two guys from the stoner movie "Pineapple Express" is now on to show the "Comedy '08" segment. And they are showing the very serious movie with Meryl Streep as a nun. And they are dying laughing. That is funny. And now they are showing an awkward gay makeout scene. NOT funny. And now "The Wrestler" (Mickey Rourke's comeback movie). And, hey, now they are actually out as presenters to do "Live Action Short" or "Other Foreign Film that no one sees about Obscure Subject". The winner is: A Jewish movie about the Nazis - the other sure fire Oscar winning formula. I am just waiting for Sean Penn to play a gay, disabled Jew in a Nazi Concentration Camp. It will be considered the greatest movie and most "bold and brave" performance ever put on film.

9:52-Oh no. A musical number. With Wolverine. And here comes Beyonce. And now the kids from High School Musical. I swear if Miley Cyrus comes out, I am turning on Iron Chef. This is the worst. Who thinks musical numbers are good ideas? Missy described this part best: Random. If there were some steel blades coming out of peoples' hands, it might be interesting.

10:03-Best Supporting Actor. Christopher Walken looking his usual mentally unstable self. And Cuba Gooding, Jr? I still don't know how he won. Well, this category was decided about a year ago. It is actually the only performance I have seen (twice). Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight. His family accepts the award. They do a better job than I ever could. A poignant moment. That wasn't contrived. What a nice change. For a moment.

10:12 - Bill Maher presenting the Best Documentary. No one cares about him or the category.

Snack break!

10:25-Will Smith presenting "Action '08".

And Best Visual Effects. The winner: The Dark Knight. I guess the Academy wanted to give something to the movie that made twice what every other nominee made combined.

And Best Sound Editing. The Dark Knight wins but what sticks out to me is that every movie in this category is a sci/fi, action, CGI stocked movie, except Slumdog Millionaire. The movie is THAT good.

And Best Sound Mixing (there's a difference?): Same nominees....and Slumdog WINS! I have to see this movie. If only for the Sound Editing AND Sound Mixing.

And Will Smith just passed out on stage.

10:41-The Jean Hersholt Old Guy Who Used to Be in Movies Now Will Make Everyone Uncomfortable Because He Can't Put a Full Sentence Together Without Drooling Recognition Award. It goes to Jerry Lewis. FLAVIN! Eddie Murphy presents him with the Award. I don't think Eddie wants to hand it over. GLAVIN!

10:50-The orchestra is now playing all of the Best Score nominees. Zac Efron and Alicia Keys present the Best Score to: Slumdog Millionaire. They are on a roll.

And now Best Song. There are two Slumdog Millionaire songs and one song from Wall-E. Typically the movie with multiple entries (see Dream Girls and Enchanted) get snubbed but NOT THIS YEAR. Slumdog Millionaire is a force. They are given the Oscar for BOTH songs and promptly beat the Wall-E robot with the award.

Then they give Best Gaffer AND Bestest Best Boy to Slumdog as well.

11:05-Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto (from this new movie about a kid in the slums in India, oh what's it called.....) present Best Foreign Language film. A Japanese movie wins but they give the award to Slumdog.

11:12-Queen Latifah will now be singing while we come to one of my favorite parts of the show. The Let's See Who Hollywood Really Cared About By How Much They Applaud Now That They're Dead Section. Apparently, everyone was saving their applause until the end when they ran 3 minutes of Paul Newman films which got a wild applause. Paul Newman - your 2009 TLSWHRCABHMTANTTDS Award Winner!

11:20-The Academy President who usually gives a speech (and is about to retire) is giving the respect he deserves by being allowed to stand and wave from his seat before being cut off by the music and reprimanded for not giving those 3 seconds to Slumdog Millionaire. What's wrong with him?

Here comes cute Reese Witherspoon - is she 20 yet? - to present Best Director. Since every other winner has talked about this guy like he created the cure for cancer, the only choice is the director of Slumdog Millionaire. He promised his kids he would act like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh if won. Apparently directing Oscar juggernauts is what Tiggers do best.

11:27-Best Actress Award - this is definitely the best looking collection of past winners who are doing the slurping now - Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman. And the winner.....Angeli......no! Kate Winslett for a role in a movie that even Hugh Jackman (during musical number #1) admitted never seeing. She actually seems nice and sincere. And she's British. Go figure.

11:37-OK, the show is doing the equivalent of what that winner did when he saw the clock counting down and knew people were coming to their senses and going to bed. Let's go straight the last two awards!

Best Actor - Adrien Brody looks lost. Anthony Hopkins looks medicated. Deniro looks peeved. Hmmm, I wonder who will win this award. Mickey Rourke because he had the best performance of the year? Was he gay, disabled or Jewish in a Nazi concentration camp? No? Sorry. Sean Penn wins! During his speech, he recognizes the fact that he is a jerk. Then promptly forgets to thank his wife, Princess Buttercup/Jenny Gump, who is sitting 10 feet away. Hooray for Hollywood!

And finally, here comes Steven Spielberg so you know this is important. He is here to present Best Picture. And with no real sense of surprise he names Slumdog Millionaire as Best Picture. Half the population of Mumbai (and Tigger the Director) come up on stage to accept. I do have to say, I am excited to see this movie. I typically don't have a strong feeling about seeing Best Picture winners but I do this one. When does it come out on Netflix?

Wolverine finally and mercifully ends the show. But wait! The economy is bad and movie revenue is down so let's run a 10 minute trailer of all the movies coming out in 2009! The montage ends with a movie about an animated gerbil. The crop is looking good for '09!

Can't wait for the Oscars in 2010!