Oscars Diary

I think I should rename this blog "Better Late than Never". It would certainly fit here.

Yes, once again this year, I sat down with day old Chinese takeout, a list of the Oscar nominees and a notepad and watched and commented on this year's Oscars.

And once again this year, I had Missy make her choices for each category and I made mine. The winner would receive bragging rights until about 9:30 Monday morning.

A couple of notes about my choices:

-If "Atonement" was nominated, I picked it. I haven't seen it but every Oscar conversation I ever heard said that it was the best thing since whatever last year's best movie was.

-No real clear cut actor/actress favorites - no really mentally challenged characters (Forrest Gump, Rain Man, etc.) and no real impressions of famous people (Ray Charles, June Carter Cash). So when in doubt, vote for Cate Blanchett!

-In the categories that we didn't know ANYTHING about (any category with the words "foreign", "documentary" or "editing") - we picked ones with funny names: "The Tonto Woman, I Met the Walrus, Even Pigeons Go to Heaven"

Let's see how the strategy worked:

8:30 - A computer animated montage to open the show - The UPS man is driving through Hollywood dodging movie characters. How nice. The driver - the Governator himself. He is delivering Oscars. And right on time. Jon Stewart does his opening monologue. The over/under on George Bush jokes is 8.......he only does one! I would have lost money on that one. He makes fun of Dennis Hopper though. Good times.


8:32 - Missy asks the obvious question, why is it called the Oscars? We are off to a good start.


8:41 - Best costume category - Ryan goes with Cate Blanchett - i.e. "Elizabeth" and WINS!

Ryan - 1, Missy - 0


8:51 - Steve Carell comes out and does his Michael Scott character. I love Steve Carell. Best animated feature - I go with Persepolis. Then I see a clip and see it is French and terrible. Definitely going to lose this one. The winner: Ratatouille. Ryan-1, Missy-1


8:55 - Katherine Heigl comes out looking like she might throw up into the orchestra pit. Then admits she is really nervous. No kidding. Best make up: La Vie en Rose. One of the other choices was Norbit. How is that even possible? Ryan - 2, Missy - 1.


8:58 - First nominee for Best Song performed - it is Jim's girlfriend Katie from Season 1 and 2 of the Office doing her best Mary Poppins impression with "Working Song".


9:06 - The Rock, excuse me, Dwayne Johnson comes out to give out the award for Best Visual effects. They must have been running low in the presenter pool. The winner: The Golden Compass. New score: Ryan - 2, Missy - 1, Atheists - 1. Congratulations.

9:09 - Cate Blanchett is out to present best Art Direction.....and her water just broke. To paraphrase Juno (the only movie nominated that I actually saw), she is a planet. Winner: Sweeny Todd - something about a singing barber who kills people (?) Good old Tim Burton, always good for a laugh. Ryan - 2, Missy - 2, Atheists - 1


9:15 - Last year's Best Supporting Actress Jennifer Hudson comes out to present Best Supporting Actor. Somewhere Beyonce and Eddie Murphy are cutting their wrists. Question: who would be most likely to win an Oscar from the movie Dreamgirls? A pop music juggernaut with a movie or two under her belt, a comedic genius with over 20 years of movie experience, THREE of the five Best Song nominees or a reject from American Idol? Only in America. The winner: Javier Baowierjdlakdhgsomething. The first time a haircut ever won an Oscar. Historic.


9:24 - Next Best Song nominee - There is a gospel choir and an amazing 11 year old soloist - I should have picked this one. My choice has no chance.


9:28 - A very near sighted Owen Wilson presents Best Short Film - he is squinting like I do when I'm at the eye doctor reading the stupid charts. Then Jerry Seinfeld's bee character from "The Bee Movie" flies in and announces the best Animated Short Film. They just won't stop plugging this movie. And I didn't see it anywhere on the Oscar ballot. Winners: The Mozart of Pickpockets and Peter and the Wolf. A dejected Owen Wilson (I would be too if I was partnered up with a cartoon bee) hands everyone their awards and then gets lost because he can't see the exit.


9:35 - Last year's Best Supporting Actor Alan Arkin (the dirty drug addict grandfather from Little Miss Sunshine) comes out to present the Best Supporting Actress. Don't swear, Alan. Do not swear! The winner: Conan O'Brien??? I didn't know he was nominated. No! It is Tilda Swinton. My Cate Blanchett strategy is 1 for 2. Her speech makes fun of George Clooney. I really think that might be Conan....


9:44 - The announcer is now showing favoritism. She introduces preggers Jessica Alba as "Always Fantastic Jessica Alba". She comes out to talk about an awards ceremony she hosted weeks ago. They must have really wanted her on the show. "You can present whatever you want. The announcer will compliment you. Just please be on the Oscars!"


9:45 - The best joke of the night: Jon Stewart comments about all the pregnant woman that are at the Oscars (Jessica Alba, Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman) and then says "But Jack (Nicholson) is here and the night is young. We will re-tally at the end of the night." I love Jack. He knows he's the man.


Another montage - NEXT


9:52 - The reason I know they were desperate for presenters: here comes Miley Cyrus i.e. Hannah Montana. The person that I was introduced to by my six year old niece. The only "movie" she has been in is a 3-D showing of one of her concerts. She shouldn't even be allowed in the building. But here she is. At least she did better than Katherine Heigl. She intros the third Best Song nominee. A random group of people in a park. Definitely won't win.

10:01 - Two guys try unsuccessfully to be funny - Bourne Identity wins best Sound Editing AND Sound Mixing. Who knew that movie sounded so good? I just like when he jumps off the roof and through the open window. Updated score - Ryan - 5, Missy - 3.

10:09 - Forrest Whitaker comes out to announce the Best Actress winner - Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett, Cate Blanchett......nope - Marion Cotiwealkerairfjdsglksda - she impersonated a famous spanish person, I should have known! Cate Blanchett seemed more excited than anyone else.

10:18 - Colin Farrell stumbles out to the podium - insert drunk Irish joke here - don't swear Colin, DO NOT SWEAR! He intros the fourth Best Song nominee. Two Irish people and the most beat up guitar I have ever seen. It looks like someone took a hammer to the areas just above and below the strings. This song is my choice to win and it has put me to sleep. Not a good sign.

10:22 - Jack comes out to intro a montage of the Best Picture winners for the past 80 years. Jack always looks like he just lit a firecracker under someone seat and he can't wait for it to go off. OK, so which picture won the year I was born - 1977 - be something good....be something good.....Annie Hall! A Woody Allen movie? I never had a chance....

10:27 - Renee Zellweger or however you spell it comes out and is obviously insecure about her hair. It is about as long as mine and she keeps doing that thing where she puts it behind her ear. She announces the winner for best Film Editing. The Oscar juggernaut Bourne Ultimatum wins again! Ryan - 5, Missy - 4.

10:31 - Nicole Kidman gives a tribute to an old guy - this must be the Lifetime Oscar. She helps him to the podium. Wow, I think he was friends with Moses growing up. Everyone stop clapping! He is on borrowed time here. Will the orchestra cut him off?? Nope, he rambles and is now being escorted off by Nicole. Backstage, he will die.

10:42 - Penelope Cruz announces the Best Foreign Picture award. They don't associate the movie with a director, they associate it with a country. And the winner is......Austria! A Holocaust movie - no one else had a chance. Wow, this is the second nomination for Austria. Way to go!

10:44 - The announcer is getting frisky again - "The versatile and handsome Patrick Dempsey" intros the last Best Song nominee. It is Clay Aiken singing at Cinderella's Ball. I'm glad I didn't pick this one. My snoozer has a chance!

10:48 - John Travolta dances out. His hair scares me. Is it sprayed on? Is it ch-ch-ch-chia? Is it some sort of black fungus that he has manipulated? He announces the Best Song winner. Well, three of the nominees were from Enchanted. That happened last year with Dreamgirls and they were snubbed. Will it be two years in a row? YES! My Irish snoozer wins! Do you believe in miracles? The guy gets up and thanks everyone in his sweet Irish accent. His cowriter/performer walks to the mike and......oh the orchestra cuts her off. The highlight of your career and you are denied but the string section.

10:57 - After the commercial, she gets a second chance. John Stewart brings her back out and she thanks everyone the guy did and more. I would take advantage of that airtime too.

10:58 - Cameron Diaz with the Best Cinemetography winner. One quick observation: the mike shoots out of the floor and goes right to the level that is appropriate for the presenter. Do they have preset settings for each person. Like Cameron Diaz is on setting 8 and Ben Stiller would be on setting 2? What if they got them confused? Would the mike go up Woody Allen's nose or stop at Denzel's knee? Winner - There Will Be Blood - Ryan - 7, Missy - 5.

11:01 - Hillary Swank - it is time to roll out the montage of all the dead people. Let's go to the applause-o-meter for the winners and losers. Barry Lee Brown....no one applauds. Well, it is actually a tie. About half the people who have died no one in the audience has ever heard of apparently. The winner, of course, is Heath Ledger.

11:08 - Katie from the Office is back with Best Score - My strategy pays off - Atonement wins. Ryan - 8, Missy - 5. Look who is pulling away!

11:11 - Here comes Tom Hanks to hand out the documentary awards - Best Short Doc winners - a gay couple - did they just say that she is a part time auto mechanic? I wish I had TiVo! Best regular sized Doc - Taxi to the Dark Side. I wonder if Star Wars would have been different if that option had been given to Luke. Darth Vader: "Luke, I am your father. Join me and we will rule the universe as father and son." Luke: "I'll never join you!" Darth Vader: "What I could get you a taxi to the dark side?" Luke: "Would you pick up the cab fare?" Darth Vader: "Um, I guess. But you leave the tip!" Luke: "Let's get coffee, dad. Tell me about your childhood."

11:24 - Harrison Ford comes out and gives the worst intro in history for Best Screenplay. "Movies are made up of words, pictures, images......" I'm surprised someone didn't stop him because he was giving away all the industry secrets. Really? Movies are made up off words AND images? The winner - Diablo Cody for Juno. Normally, I would think that would be a pretty sweet name. But earlier in the show John Stewart made us all aware that she used to be a stripper. Now that names seems to make more sense. She thanks her family and then storms off. Harrison Ford tries to congratulate her but is stuck walking with the obligatory model that serves no purpose. Ryan - 9, Missy - 6.

11:30 - Helen Mirren tops Harrison Ford's speech by just saying adjectives - "passionate, evil, devious......" Best Actor - Daniel Day-Lewis doing his best Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York in a movie about oil. I guess if it ain't broke........When I am so used to him with that voice, it is weird to hear a soft british accent come out of his mouth. Who cares - Ryan - 10, Missy - 6. If this were match play in golf, I would be crowned the winner - up four with two to play.

11:39 - the 34923480328028309480th montage of the night. Ryan want sleepy.

11:41 - Martin Scorcese who has been partying since he won last year announces the Best Director winner. This year, it is the Coen Brothers. I get them confused with the Farrelly Brothers (Dumb and Dumber, Me, Myself and Irene). I guess these are the TALENTED brothers. But they are just as odd. Oh well - Ryan - 11, Missy - 6.

11:44 - And finally - is there any other way to end a show than with Denzel? He is the mayor. And the winner of the Best Picture is......No Country for Old Men - the Coen Brothers. I have no idea what this movie is about and I don't think the title helps me at all. But if it is anything like the only other movie I saw done by the Coen Brothers (Fargo) - I will steer clear of that one. Well, since this is old hat and they have already been up a few times, the Coen brothers let another guy talk. That guy promptly thanks his "partner" and calls him "honey". Well, I am ruined until next year. Good night everybody!

Final Tally:
Ryan - 11
Missy - 6
Atheists - 1
Bourne Ultimatum - 3
One bad haircut - like 4, I think.
Hours of my life I can't get back - 4.

Hooray for Hollywood!