Sorry for the delay folks. I'm back.
Just a warning before I start - this post will forever change your perspective on conversations and may make you smile at an inopportune time. You've been warned.
A few weeks ago, Missy and I went to a family reunion. Now I will say that it was good to see some of my relatives that I have not seen in a while. However, family reunions almost always generate an awkward conversation or two where you find yourself talking with someone and once the small talk runs out you just stare at each other, smile and then go for seconds on the egg salad. In fact, in one conversation the person I was talking with said "It was good to see you!" in the it's-the-end-of-the-conversation tone TWICE. The thing is, I was still talking. So I took the hint and got some chocolate cake.
This awkward conversation reminded me of a discovery that I made a few years ago. In the English language, there are two words that signal the end to any conversation. In some cases, they can cut off the conversation all by themselves. Because of this, I consider them two of the most powerful words in our vocabulary. Neither is a noun or verb or adjective. They are both considered "interjections" and one isn't even a real word (more of a contraction really). Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
Alright
Well
Have you ever noticed this? These two words always signal that a conversation is over. Almost always, they are preluded by an awkward pause:
Person A: So that's how my cat got stuck in the garbage disposal.
(awkward pause)
Person B (looking around awkwardly): Well.......
Person A: Alright......
Both people head for the potato salad.
What makes these words most effective is when you use them in combination. They will end a conversation quickly and effectively.
Person A: I had a really good time on our date. I'm sorry I threw up in your meatloaf.
(awkward pause)
Person B: Alright, well, I should get going.
They are reversable as well.
Person A: So other than Dad's little gas issue, there's not too much happening here.
(awkward pause)
Person B: Well, alright, I'll talk to you later, Mom.
Though I don't recommend using the words this way and I'm sure I have never used them this way, these words are most powerful when they are used not only in combination but when interupting someone as well.
Person A: So then in 1943, in the Spring I think, I had just finished 3rd grade. Mrs. Martin was my teacher. She married Bill Martin. His family was Quaker, I think. Had a mean dog. I think his name was Trevor. Anyway, I had just started growing my own radishes that Spring when..
Person B: Alright well, Aunt June, I have a root canal that I just remembered I have to go to.
Person A: Oh, ok, well take some radishes before you go.
My question is this: how did these word become designated as the conversation killers? Who started using them first? How did every person come to know that when there is an awkward pause and you want the conversation to be over, you say "well", "alright" or both of them together? Why weren't other words used? I can think of a few that would make more sense. Words that mean "the end"or "it's over". And they would work most effectively if they were exclamations.
Person A: So that's how my cat got stuck in the garbage disposal.
(awkward pause)
Person B: Completion!
Person A: I had a really good time on our date. I'm sorry I threw up in your meatloaf.
(awkward pause)
Person B: Terminated!
This would work best if you were interupting the other person.
Person A: So then in 1943, in the Spring I think, I had just finished 3rd grade. Mrs. Martin was my teacher. She married Bill Martin. His family was Quaker, I think. Had a mean dog. I think his name was Trevor. Anyway, I had just started growing my own radishes that Spring when..
Person B: Conclusion!
Person A: What? Kids these days. They just don't respect their elders like they used to. When I was in 3rd grade..
Person B: Finished!
So the next time you are at a family reunion or somehow find yourself at the end of a conversation and there is an awkward pause, I ask that you wait and see what the other person says. I can almost guarantee that it will be one of the two most powerful words ever to cross our lips. And if you are feeling a little adventurous, try to end the conversation with something new.
Alright, well.................
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5 comments:
Beatiful prose my man,
Here's my initial reaction. Both alright and well are kind of leading statements - meaning that you would expect a statement to follow those interjections.
Here's what may follow these statements if we were honest:
Alright - this confirms that some one else is talking but is just not interesting. "Alright, I can hear to talking there, but maybe you shoudln't be. I am not at all interested in what you are saying, so I want to politely extricate myself from this before it becomes even more socially awkward".
Well - this is probably indicating that you are concerned about how much longer this linger conversation could go. "Well...I bet you are going to keep talking, but I can't take another second, so I'm going to chose to give my attention to...chocolate cake, potato salad, anything that is more interesting than this".
Your insight is so funny, because it is so true
WELL done, Delp. Would you mind writing one every day?
dude bro, that is frickin hilarious, I had a very hearty laugh, kind of like when we watched the sea scallops escaping from the other mean sea creature, as only the IMAX theatre can truly depict... good stuff!
Hey RyRy -- Hi from your mother-in-law. Very creative and fun to read...great job. What do you think of -- "alrighty, then". I have been told by DJ that I say that only about 20 times a day. Can't wait to see you guys. Love, LeeNae
Delpy,
Great post! I have been reading them to Sarah (since we have nothing else in life to do but wait for our son to be born), and she is often rolling (literally) on the couch. We really enjoy them. I've always thought (and told people) that you are a great writer.
As for ideas... anything that you can write about the whole childbirth process is always great.
Keep up the good work.
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