"No, I do it!!!"

(Writer's note: This is my first blog using our new laptop. I feel like I should be wearing glasses with thick frames, sitting at Starbucks and blogging about injustice.)

Riley is just about two and a half. He is growing and developing in so many ways both good and bad. He is speaking much more clearly. He is amazing us with the tasks he can do.

And he has developed a strong sense of independence.

That independence comes out often and is usually signaled by the toddler phrase of "No, I do it!" This can be about getting out of a car himself. Or opening a refrigerator himself. Or picking up a toy himself. Missy and I will try and do something for him and immediately get cut off.

"No, I do it!"

The fact is, sometimes, he CAN do it. He is capable of some of things we are working to help him with. However, he refuses to let others help. In other situations, he simply can't do it yet he still he insists he can.

And that struck me tonight in a powerful way.

You see, for the past few weeks or so, I have really struggled. I felt pressure in 100 different directions. I have felt pressure at work. I have felt pressure in my community work. I have felt pressure as a husband and a father. I have felt pressure about my future. I have felt pressure as a homeowner. I have felt pressure as a Christian. I have even felt pressure as a (very part time) blogger.

And it has had consequences.

I have had minor anxiety attacks. I have had major headaches. I have not slept well. Physically, I have been a wreck.

And then tonight, as I tried to help Riley with something and heard that familiar phrase, it struck me that I have been saying the EXACT same thing.

"No, I do it!"

You see, I am a control freak. I am a perfectionist. I expect a lot from others but I expect the world from myself. And that has been eating me alive. And I just realized it.

I want to control EVERYTHING. I have this subconscious feeling that I can do all things. I can do all things immediately. And only I can do them to my perfectionist expectations.

"No, I do it!"

What has become quite clear is that I can't do it. Just like Riley can't do it. Some things, a few things, yes. Everything? No. At other times, even if I could do it, there is someone else who is just as capable and perhaps more so than me.

I have realized that most (but not all) of the pressure that I have been feeling has been internal.

"No, I do it!"

There are the natural pressures as well. Pressures from clients. Pressures from coworkers. Pressures from the roles I am in (husband, father, volunteer, etc.). These pressures come with existing in this world and for the most part, they are manageable and even healthy.

What has brought me to the brink is the internal and perhaps prideful pressure to be perfect. To be in control. In all things. At all times.

I simply can't do it. I am like Riley trying to open the refrigerator door while holding two stuffed animals and a juice cup. It's impossible to do but he insists on doing it himself.

What I need to do is stop. What I need to do is look to my heavenly Father and say "Help, please". I CAN'T do it. And I shouldn't expect to do it. Expecting to do all things myself is just as silly as Riley and the refrigerator. However, just like Riley, I couldn't see it. I couldn't be removed from the situation and the tremendous desire to do it myself.

What does that mean from here on out? I don't know. Like I said, I just had this realization tonight and thought I would and should share. I ask that you pray for me as I try and get over myself. If you struggle with the same thing, let me know and I will pray for you as well.

God bless to you all and thanks for reading.