My Stint as a Single Parent

A few months ago (I started this post about a month and a half ago and it got left on the shelf for a while obviously), Missy had the opportunity to have a "Girls Weekend". Since Riley was born, she never had a "Girls Weekend". I have had one or two "Boys Weekend" a year since he was born. So it was time. And I was excited for her.

But that meant that Riley and I were bach'ing (that is my hip made up verb for bachelor - you know like no girls, I'm an idiot) it for the weekend. Now he and I have had numerous days together mostly when Missy was at work. But we have never had an overnight much less two. So as much as I wanted Missy to have a great time away, I was, let's call it, curious to see how it would go with the two of us.


I decided to take Riley to our house in Maryland for the weekend. First, my family was going to be there so I would have some help with Riley. Secondly, all summer all he had been asking about is the "Bayhouse, Boatride and Beach".

Riley typically is not a great sleeper at the Bay. I don't know if he knows that he could be experiencing the "Boatride and Beach" portions of the weekend at any time or what. But he doesn't do a lot of sleeping and this weekend was no different. However, the problem this time was that I couldn't really trade off with Missy while Riley was not sleeping. At night, I couldn't sleep while she got up with him or vice versa. Naps were no different. After one sleepless night, I was ready for a nap myself. However, rather than actually sleeping, Riley discovered that he was now big enough to climb out of his crib. Good times all around.

Overall, the weekend ended up going pretty well. It was great to have my family there. They certainly helped and provided me with some moments of relaxation. However, when it came to the overall parenting duties, I was on my own and it wore me out. And that was just one kid. For one weekend.

When I think about a single parent, more specifically a single mom, the picture that comes to mind is an exasperated woman out at the store with crying kids climbing all over her. When I was young and ignorant, I would think, "Wow, what a bad parent. Why can't she control her kids?" Now, and especially after that weekend, I think, "Wow. She is amazing. She has the energy to WALK!"

In my little weekend trip with Riley, I gained a new and tremendous appreciation for single parents. Parenting is tough. It is draining. Even when you can split duties. If it is just one person, I can't imagine how one would do it. I was alone with Riley for a little over 48 hours and I felt like I had run three marathons (actually I may have trying to chase him around and put his pajamas on).

Not only did I gain appreciation for single parents I gained appreciation for Missy. She is so tremendously organized in getting Riley's "stuff" (of which there is a lot) together for every trip out of the house - trips to the store, the beach, the restaurant. I practically forgot the child himself when we went places. There are so many things that she does to make our lives and Riley's life run smoothly and I didn't even realize it until that weekend.

Finally, I gained even more appreciation for Riley. He is such a good boy. He is beautiful. He is so incredibly sweet. His love and excitement for life and everything in it should be bottled up and sold. When I go through my day, I look forward to resting, watching TV and eating snacks. Riley stands in awe of nature - birds, water, sand, fishies, flowers, leaves, worms. His sole focus in life is to enjoy it. Obviously, he doesn't have the worries and concerns that I do. However, I could take a page from his life's playbook once in a while. And the times I do are the instances when I smile the most.

All in all, it was good weekend. For lots of reasons. Missy got her Girls Weekend in. Riley and I had our Boys Weekend. Missy got to rest. I got to think about Missy resting. Most importantly, I got to spend wonderful time with my son who was able to teach his dad a few things about life.

"No, I do it!!!"

(Writer's note: This is my first blog using our new laptop. I feel like I should be wearing glasses with thick frames, sitting at Starbucks and blogging about injustice.)

Riley is just about two and a half. He is growing and developing in so many ways both good and bad. He is speaking much more clearly. He is amazing us with the tasks he can do.

And he has developed a strong sense of independence.

That independence comes out often and is usually signaled by the toddler phrase of "No, I do it!" This can be about getting out of a car himself. Or opening a refrigerator himself. Or picking up a toy himself. Missy and I will try and do something for him and immediately get cut off.

"No, I do it!"

The fact is, sometimes, he CAN do it. He is capable of some of things we are working to help him with. However, he refuses to let others help. In other situations, he simply can't do it yet he still he insists he can.

And that struck me tonight in a powerful way.

You see, for the past few weeks or so, I have really struggled. I felt pressure in 100 different directions. I have felt pressure at work. I have felt pressure in my community work. I have felt pressure as a husband and a father. I have felt pressure about my future. I have felt pressure as a homeowner. I have felt pressure as a Christian. I have even felt pressure as a (very part time) blogger.

And it has had consequences.

I have had minor anxiety attacks. I have had major headaches. I have not slept well. Physically, I have been a wreck.

And then tonight, as I tried to help Riley with something and heard that familiar phrase, it struck me that I have been saying the EXACT same thing.

"No, I do it!"

You see, I am a control freak. I am a perfectionist. I expect a lot from others but I expect the world from myself. And that has been eating me alive. And I just realized it.

I want to control EVERYTHING. I have this subconscious feeling that I can do all things. I can do all things immediately. And only I can do them to my perfectionist expectations.

"No, I do it!"

What has become quite clear is that I can't do it. Just like Riley can't do it. Some things, a few things, yes. Everything? No. At other times, even if I could do it, there is someone else who is just as capable and perhaps more so than me.

I have realized that most (but not all) of the pressure that I have been feeling has been internal.

"No, I do it!"

There are the natural pressures as well. Pressures from clients. Pressures from coworkers. Pressures from the roles I am in (husband, father, volunteer, etc.). These pressures come with existing in this world and for the most part, they are manageable and even healthy.

What has brought me to the brink is the internal and perhaps prideful pressure to be perfect. To be in control. In all things. At all times.

I simply can't do it. I am like Riley trying to open the refrigerator door while holding two stuffed animals and a juice cup. It's impossible to do but he insists on doing it himself.

What I need to do is stop. What I need to do is look to my heavenly Father and say "Help, please". I CAN'T do it. And I shouldn't expect to do it. Expecting to do all things myself is just as silly as Riley and the refrigerator. However, just like Riley, I couldn't see it. I couldn't be removed from the situation and the tremendous desire to do it myself.

What does that mean from here on out? I don't know. Like I said, I just had this realization tonight and thought I would and should share. I ask that you pray for me as I try and get over myself. If you struggle with the same thing, let me know and I will pray for you as well.

God bless to you all and thanks for reading.