A Real Time Blog of the Oscars

Welcome to the 2011 blog of the Oscars. After a year's hiatus, I am back to share my thoughts on the lovefest that is the annual award show celebrating the year in cinema. Missy and I are once again making our blind choices for Best Everything. We have seen all of three (I think) movies that are up for awards. True Grit (a sweet night out that included a visit to an Irish Pub and deli sandwiches), Inception (a sweet night in using On Demand for the first time) and Harry Potter 7 (a sweet night at the Imax with my sister and bro in law). We did also see Iron Man2 but that won't win anything. So I have instilled some theories about who gets awards, in particular those that no one cares about - documentaries, short films, etc. Stay tuned:

OK - 8:35 - we are DVR'ing this so we are an hour behind but we will be fast forwarding through commercials and musical numbers. So we start with a montage of the best movie nominees. Nice that they are not trying to be too funny to start. Never mind. Here it comes. With the guy from Spiderman and Anne Hathaway hosting, this should be interesting. An Alec Baldwin sighting: nice. Ok, so Inception down and now Facebook movie. Ok, now they are in Back to the Future. So this is actually kind of funny. So far so good. The intro is usually the highlight of the show so we will see if it is downhill from here. Note: Missy says that Anne Hathaway is "Julie Roberts-esque". She wanted me to add that.

8:43 - So it has gone downhill. The opening exchange is a little rough. Though the Spiderman guy's grandmom is the comedic centerpiece. Not looking good.

8:45 - A reference to Gone with the Wind and now Tom Hanks is on stage. Why is he talking about Gone with the Wind? Now they are showing Titantic. They know this is a 3 hour show, right? Start presenting things! That is the biggest intro for Art Direction ever. And the winner for Art Direction is....."Alice in Wonderland" - Missy and I both went 0-fer. We didn't see that one. And now we begin the awkward acceptance speeches. This guy is sweating. Ok, so the guy used a prop that no one saw. This show is awkward.

8:50 - And now Best Cinematography - "Inception" - Missy and I both got this right because, well, we saw this movie. So the guy who won just said that he wants to "Just breath and take it in" and now he is on the clock. He is now speeding up his speech and Oh! Just under the wire, there is the music.

8:53 - (our first fast forward past the commercials, I love DVR) - Here comes Kirk Douglas. I was pretty sure he died 20 years ago but apparently not. Oh, he had a stroke. I have no soul. He is presenting something. I can't figure out exactly what it is. Best Supporting Actress. Missy and I both picked the girl from True Grit because, again, that was the one we saw. He is trying to be funny. Oh please stop. Just read it. It hurts. Please. Oh gosh. I feel sick. Reaching for the fast forward button....Melissa Leo of the Fighter. There were two nominees from this film so they played the odds. Kirk is still talking. Someone lead him off. I hope this lady gets an extra 3 minutes. And maybe not. She is just breathing. And she dropped the F-bomb. And now she is embarrassed. Reaching for the fast forward button.....she is using his cane to walk off. That was awful.

9:03 - Here comes Missy's boy, Justin Timberlake. So they are doing the animated films. So here is theory #1 - if the movie starts with "Pixar Presents" - it wins an award. If it is pro - environment and anti-business - it wins an Oscar. So my pick was for the animated short - "Let's Pollute". And I was wrong. Best Animated Short - The Lost Thing. When are these movies even shown? Who watches them? So these guys are Australian. I guess they are shown in Australia.

9:07 - Let's see if my second theory is right. Best Animated Film - Pixar Presents - Toy Story 3. I think every guy that I have ever seen win from Pixar was a grown up version of a 10 year old boy. I guess that makes sense.

9:11 - Josh Brolin and Javier Bardiem in white tuxes for Best Screenplay. Or Adapted Screenplay. I went with True Grit because everyone said "Have you seen the original? I like this better." The Facebook movie wins. I wonder how many people will "Like" that? Get it? "Like"? Facebook? I need to type something while this guy yaps away. Oh and here comes the music. He doesn't care. Talking faster......louder music.....who is going to win? Louder music....still talking. I think the winner is the guy. He just didn't stop. And NOW Best Screenplay. Why is Bardiem doing the nominees? I have no idea what he is saying. And the winner is Kings Speech. They were nominated for like 393749823 awards so I guess they need to get one. Once again, Inception is our downfall. This guy is the oldest person who ever won the award. He said his mom told him he was a late bloomer. That was the funniest thing so far. An update on the count - Missy - 1, Ryan - 2.

9:19 -Oh no, a musical number. Anne is mocking Hugh Jackman. At least they are not doing the Best Musical numbers for real. She actually has a pretty good voice. Why they took 3 minutes to just mock Jackman, I don't know. And the Spiderman guy is in drag and mocking Charlie Sheen.

9:22 - And the weirdest duo - Helen Mirren and Mr. Katy Perry. She is speaking French. Ok, I get it - Best Foreign Film - my theory here is if a film is nominated for ANYTHING else in another category, it will win best Foreign Film - Javier Bardiem is nominated for Best Actor in a foreign film so it will win. And that theory is shot too - a movie from Denmark won - A Better World. This is always interesting because these people are scared out of their minds and English is their second or third language.

9:25- Oh man, the announcer guy just botched the intro for Reese Witherspoon. When the announcer messes up, things are not looking good. Now we are to the Best Supporting Actor. My theory here is that if you mess up your body (gain or lose a billion pounds), you win. That's why I picked Christian Bale. And I was right. A British guy with a Boston accent. He deserves it. It is very odd seeing Batman with a nasty beard who actually sounds like the awkward drunk guy you meet in a pub in London. He should win every award just because he is hiding this awful accent. I can't believe he sounds like this. He just said, "Where's my quacker?" I bet he going to get a pint or three and then watch Manchester United play after this.

9:31 - There are two people who must be part of "The Man". I think they just made a big announcement but no one gets it. OK, so ABC will do the Oscars through 2020. They get their own part of the show for that? No wonder this show goes over three hours.

9:33 - Two beautiful Aussies - Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman are going over the history of sound in movies and now here comes the symphony playing all the classics, so this must be Best....Sound Editing.....no, Sound Mixing.....no, Best Song.....oh and the one I didn't pick, Best Original Score. No theories here. Just the fast forward button. Wait, Trent Reznor is up for an Oscar. If the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails who sang one of the most profane songs in history wins an Oscar, I am holding onto my couch because the world will stop rotating. He did. The world is coming to an end. They just announced that this is the first nomination for Trent Reznor. Really? He cut his hair so he looks normal. He was calm, collected, I just don't have words. This may stay with me a while. Trent Reznor just won an Oscar and looked and sounded more normal than anyone else on stage.

9:39 - Scarlett Johannsen and that goof McCounohey or however you spell it are up for Best Looking Presenters - no - Best Sound Mixing - Inception is the winner. I think every one of these type of awards we picked Inception because, well, you should know by now. And now Best Sound Editing - by the way, how do you edit sound? Do they know how long the sound of a gun going off is? Oh! And Inception wins again. We are on a hot streak. And somehow it is a different guy. Can't they cut some corners and have the guy who "mixes" also "edit". Do they sit next to each other? I should run this stuff.

9:49 - Oh it is Marisa Tomei. She is great. I will like her forever because she had a crush on George on Seinfeld. Ok, so she awarded the Scientific nerds earlier this month. They weren't even allowed to the cool kid party. I bet those guys were happy just to talk to Marisa Tomei. And Franco just called them nerds outright. So he wins one point from me.

9:52 - Here is Kate Blanchett with the Best Makeup. And she just won an Oscar for Best Nominee in a Supporting Role. The winner is: The Wolfman. And the guy who won might be a Wolfman. Creepy. Missy and I both picked this one because it seemed logical. You are turning a guy into a wolf. How can anyone compete with that? Also, there were only 3 nominees. It must have been a slow year for makeup. Kate is still up there. Best Costume design. I would think the person made her dress should be nominated. It looks like there should be a clock in the middle of her dress. The winner - Alice in Wonderland. That would make sense. Tim Burton is the oddest person alive. He makes a movie about a fantasy world. This was a layup. This lady is reading. And fast forwarding.....

9:58 - The man on the street opinions of Best Song and then the Man on the Street - Pennsylvania Ave. - President Obama saying it should be "As Time Goes By". I guess that is the winner. Hey, there is Kevin Spacey. I don't think he has done anything since The Negotiator. Ok , so my next theory. If the Best Song starts with "From Pixar's...." it will win Best Song. So THAT is what the guy who does all of the Pixar movies looks like. Randy Newman. His voices makes me smile and think everything will be ok. I don't care about the rest. Fast forward button.

10:03 - Why does Spiderman guy always have a smile that looks like he stole something.........and then smoked it? Here is Jake Gyllenhallllll and Amy Adams for Best Documentary Short with a good point: this IS probably the hardest one to pick on your home ballot. I had no idea. I picked "Killing in the Name" because that is the name of a song by Rage Against the Machine. And I was wrong. Strangers No More. Who WATCHES these things? I honestly want to know where they are played. And now we are to the Best Live Action Short. Wait, aren't they the same thing? God of Love won. This guy has a crazy afro and is running. I can't wait to hear what he says. He should have gotten a haircut. Ok, thanks man. He just said you can find them on itunes. Whoa, ok, man. Ease off the espresso. I would say that was the Best Original moment.

10:11 - I am not sure what this is but it is funny. They are making scenes from movies with that voicebox thing that connects with guitars. Kind of random but funny.

10:13 - Aw, there is Oprah. She is presenting for Best Documentary. Just by her mentioning their names, they will become the five most highest grossing films of all time. My theory here is similar to the other films that no one sees - make it pro-environment and anti-business and you will win. So I went with "Waste Land" (I was also thinking "Gas Land") but I was wrong. The winner is Inside Job. Ok, so the name wasn't so explicit but this one apparently was anti-business. The guy started by saying that all CEO's should go to jail. Oh by the way, thanks for all those who helped make this possible. Oprah just gave him the $3 billion she had in her purse.

10:17 - Hey there is Billy Crystal. He is getting a standing O. I think he used to present like 20 years ago. Which was the last time he was on TV. He is talking about Bob Hope and how he used to host the Oscars. So they have a kind of ghost of Bob Hope. Is he going to present? He is going to present the awards for Best Visual Effects - no make that he is going to present Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. That was kind of odd. They are making fun of Downey's drug days. Good times. This was a tough one because we saw THREE of these - Inception, Harry Potter and Iron Man2. And the winner is Inception. Missy gets one up on me. I had a 50/50 shot as Iron Man was terrible. I took Harry Potter and she took Inception. And now they are going with Film Editing - The Facebook movie. I would be very curious to know what makes good editing. Every Facebook winner has thanked the director and when they go to him, he looks like he is waiting for a bomb to go off.

10:28 - So here are the other two nominated songs and here is the fast forward button.....wait, Gwyneth Paltrow is singing? Man, does she have some pull. She wins an Academy Award for Best Actress and now she tries singing and what happens? She is up for an Academy Award for Best Song. I just don't think she can beat the Pixar juggernaut, Randy Newman. And I'm right. This guy is the Merrill Streep of Best Song. Now he is ripping the Academy. I want to hang out with this guy. He is like 90 but pretty awesome.

A quick update of the score - Missy - 6 Ryan - 7

And now we see who died this year and they bring out Celine Dion to sing a song called "Smile". If I were related to the people who died, I don't know if I would pick a song about smiling for the theme song. Gotta love Hollywood. Ok, so let's monitor the applause-o-meter to see who gets the biggest cheer for dying. Apparently they shut down on the clapping. Leslie Nielsen scrolled by and nothing. I wonder if Celine Dion put the kabosh on that one. Dennis Hopper....nothing. She must have. That crazy Canadian didn't want any noise during her singing.

And now here is Halle Berry talking about someone. It doesn't matter who. I vote for more Halle Berry and less of the Spiderman guy.

10:43 - It is getting late and all the big ones are still up. I wonder why they have the Best Supporting Actress so early and then no other big ones until the end. Anyway, we just had Anne Hathaway introduced Hilary Swank who introduced the lady who won Best Director last year. So we are to Art Direction which is a relief because I thought I missed it and was going to have to start all over again. This was another 50/50 for Missy and I with Potter and Inception. And the winner is "The King's Speech". I guess I need to this movie. Missy loves Colin Firth. I think we have our next Netflix pick in the queue. This guy is going on and on and telling a way too in detail story about his mom and this movie and they didn't give him the music treatment. I guess Art Direction gets more time.

10:49 - Here is Annette Benning talking about another ceremony where they honored guys who did stuff. I guess this is lifetime achievement awards? These guys are old and everyone is standing and there is lots of music. It must be a lifetime achievement award. There is Francis Ford Coppola. He did the Godfather movies so I am standing and applauding too.

10:52 - Here is Jeff Bridges with the Best Actress awards. He obviously hasn't shaved since True Grit. Here is my theory on this one. If there is someone named "Natalie Portman" in the mix, she wins. Because I want her too. She is pregnant so it will be interesting to see her walk up those steps. And the winner is - Natalie Portman. Oh good, her husband helped her up the steps. Please don't go into labor. Please don't go into labor. Wow, she is thanking a billion people. Will she thank the caterer? No.

11:00 - Here is Sandra Bullock with the Best Actor nominees. Remember when she was in Speed? She is great. She is just ripping the guys. The Facebook guy looks terrified. I wonder how the Spiderman guy who is hosting will also react to being ripped by Sandra Bullock. He is backstage and he probably just took something for the nerves. And the winner: Colin Firth. Missy, if she was still conscious, would be so happy. To hear him talk in his smooth British accent compared to Christian Bale makes me wonder if there was a time when Christian was Colin's landscaper.

11:10 - Man, are we over the time. Here is Spielberg. That means we are at the Best Picture awards. Oh gosh, did I miss Best Director? Please tell me I don't have to go back. Ryan wants sleepy. I am always a sucker for montages so as they are showing all the movies with the Colin Firth's (The King) Speech in the background. So here is the Best Picture - The King's Speech. When you use the actual speech to intro all of the other movies, there is a pretty good chance you will win. But I am pretty sure this means I missed Best Director.

11:18 - Here comes a bunch of kids to sing Somewhere over the Rainbow. Isn't it past their bedtime. And does anyone know who won Best Director? Anyone?

Final tally on the awards:

Ryan - 12

Missy - 7

Well it's past my bedtime so here is to another year of the Oscars. Thankfully, I am on Central time so it is only 11:21. And congratulations to the Best Director. Whoever you are.